IBS Diet Plan: My Most Common Meal

So now that I’ve talked a bit about common triggers, I figured it was time to tell you what you CAN eat. Eating for IBS doesn’t mean you have to have a bland diet. That being said, I do eat a lot of the same foods.

boredsign

When you have IBS, you have to change the WAY you eat. In general, I find it easier to eat smaller portions throughout the day rather than focus on three large meals. Eating more protein helps me feel full, so I don’t overeat. I have a protein shake or bar in the morning, followed by a snack 2-3 hours later, then lunch, then a snack, then dinner. Those snacks can be live-saving — when I skip them, I tend to eat too much at meal times.

The one meal I eat perhaps more often than anything is chicken breast and vegetables. Chicken is a lean meat, so you’re not getting tons of fat like you might with beef. I like to basically do a stir-fry of chicken with green peppers and onions. Some people have issues with those veggies, so you might have to come up with other options if that’s you.

I cook the chicken in coconut oil. I’ve heard that olive oil, which I used to cook more with, tends to give off more free radicals as it is heated. I don’t know if that’s true or what the dangers of free radicals are exactly, but more and more people are loving coconut oil, and I’m one of them. For your sake, don’t ever cook anything in butter ever again. I cook the chicken in a pan on top of the stove, and I add some spices or herbs to it to give it some flavor. Now, don’t add too many spices, as that will definitely send your gut into overdrive. Also don’t use spices with MSG because those will rip you up from the inside out.

Once the chicken is cooked, I add the vegetables and cook a bit longer. I prefer my veggies a little al dente, but you MUST CHEW THEM. Otherwise your tummy will say, “screw you, I ain’t digesting this shit.” Pain will follow. I realized pretty soon I didn’t want to eat all my veggies in liquid or baby-food-like form, so I just make sure I do a great deal of digesting in the mouth before I send it to my stomach.

You might notice it’s just chicken and veggies. I’ll pair it with a side of fresh fruit, an avocado or maybe some crackers and hummus. I’m avoiding eating too many starchy carbs like potatoes or rice.

I also usually end up making enough that I get to have leftovers a couple more times that week. And every time I eat it, I know I’m eating safe foods that won’t lead me to an evening spent with my toilet.

angry-toilet

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IBS Trigger Foods #4: Mushrooms and Truffle Oil

So I was peer-pressured into eating mushrooms the other night.  …Not the psychedelic kind, but the normal ones you can buy at any grocery store.

Does this image disturb you like it does me?

Photo: 21 Food

Photo: 21 Food

While I have yet to describe the various types of diarrhea to expect with IBS (yes, the SEVERAL, various types), I think there’s a special one that happens with mushrooms and truffle oil.

Hokay, so… When I eat mushrooms or truffles, it starts like almost any IBS attack where first I get the rumblies in my belly and sometimes the sudden urge to get on my toilet and stay there a while.  Well, I was at a party so I held it in (which, by the way, you really shouldn’t do).

Then 1:30 a.m. rolls around and it feels like I’m going to puke out of my mouth and butthole at the same time.  (yes, that’s happened before).

Photo: Quickfasting

Photo: Quickfasting

So in between the time I ate the mushrooms and when I finally sat on the toilet, the truffles worked their stupid fairy magic on my stool and liquefied it into an acidic pulp.  What happens next is a combination between the “constipated diarrhea” and the half-liquid, half-soft stool — Muggle diarrhea, if you will — complete with farts you are convinced will push out vast amount of smelly shit but only contribute to the corrosiveness of the angry, truffle-infused waste.

So I lit a candle and had periods of pooping and periods where nothing happened, except the feeling of being kicked repeatedly in the abdomen, which is a common thread through this whole thing.  Then I felt I was completely done, and said, “ok, belly, you’re done now, going to sleep now.”  Five minutes later the urge happened again and I went through it all again, and again convinced I was done said, “okay, belly, that’s it.”  Luckily that truly was it, until 8 a.m., so at least I got a few hours of sleep in there.  And my butthole regenerated to handle the next acidic poop assault that’s sure to happen again.

Mushrooms and truffle oil were some of the most recent items I’ve put on the “DO NOT EAT” list.  I always try things multiple times, and I make sure there aren’t any other known triggers present in the food so I can properly “test” them.  Mushrooms and truffle oil ALWAYS lead to the above reaction.  I found out later that perhaps the reason why I have such a strong reaction to truffle oil is because it’s a laxative.  I already have diarrhea most of the time, so I don’t need any help in that area.

Photo: Bored Panda

Photo: Bored Panda

Hmm…turns out truffle oil is made from a petroleum product rather than actual truffles.  Whatever, let’s still lump mushrooms and truffle oil in the same boat.  They do the same thing to my intestines, so they both go on the naughty list!

Which is okay because mushrooms are gross.

She works hard for the stool…

Well, in actuality, if I have to work barely at all to pass stool out my bottom, I just wait a little while.  Drink some coffee, y’know?

w-Giant-Coffee-Cup75917So I was out to dinner with friends the other night, and my pal told us about the time she did the “Master Cleanse” diet and had poop literally peeing out of her ass.  Peeping, I believe she called it.  She explained how she just couldn’t keep it in and needed to be by the toilet at any moment…just in case.  She’s pretending like it’s a big deal, something totally crazy that she would never want to repeat.

hot-girl-on-toiletAnd I’m just sitting there thinking, that’s like an every week occurrence for me, even if I’ve been good on my diet.

And it dawns on me that my pooping routine isn’t normal.  It’s not normal to have feces just fall out of your body and sit in the toilet in one sloppy lump before they get flushed to the nether regions of sewage.  It’s not normal to be worried every time you fart it might not be just a fart…  And it’s not normal to think, surely that’s the last of what my body has left to offer to the waste gods, only to need to rush to the toilet three or four more times.  I don’t think I remember what it’s like anymore to have to really work to push the stool out.  Until those times I get constipated or eat too much fiber.  That’s when I take a bite of cheese or have a milkshake so I can let the feces flow like I’m used to.  Waste gods forbid I have to pass a hard piece of poop ever again.

I might have mentioned to my friends that such an “assplosion,” if you will, is somewhat commonplace for me, and they seemed to just smile and shrug it off.  Let this post be a sign of my solidarity for you, reader who has definitely been there.  Again and again.

I’d venture to say that loose stools are the least of my worries, so I’ve created my own norms, I suppose.  What is important is that I know I eat healthy (most of the time) and feel good about it.  What my body decides to do with it is just gravy (….literally).