It’s gettin’ hot in herrrre

Sorry, I had to…

Let’s talk about temperature, and the way your body responds to it, including the IBS symptoms it provokes.

I worked out last week for the first time after my orange belt test, and I must say, my body temperature got pretty darn hot. I had to pee, and can I tell you that I thought it was boiling, it was so hot. Turns out my body temperature had the same effect on my poo, and I ended up having one of those exploding poops, but this time at the temperature of hot volcano magma.

Image Credit & Copyright: Martin Rietze

Image Credit & Copyright: Martin Rietze

Now, basically this entire week it’s been 90-100 degrees every day in Los Angeles (worse if you live in the valley, but I’m not that dumb). As you can imagine, it’s been a week of volcanic eruptions out my bottom. Will it return to “normal” after the temperatures go down? I hope so, and it might prove my new theory that increased temperature exacerbates IBS diarrhea symptoms.

The other thing I want to touch on is what you put in your  body, or more specifically, the temperature at which you put things in your body. When you put ice on a sore muscle, there’s that instant where you’re like “AAAAAAAAAAGH THAT’S F*ING COLD!” Guess what? The same thing happens when you drink a cold beverage.

Don't try this at home!

Don’t try this at home!

I don’t usually make ice anymore because I try not to use it. Yes, I will drink cold-ish water, but I definitely don’t make it colder with ice. Room-temperature-ish water is best, especially when you’re in the midst of IBS hell. If you’ve ever chugged cold water, you can feel the iciness just travel down your esophagus to your stomach, and I can’t say it’s a pleasant feeling. Well, your tum tum doesn’t like it!

To a lesser extent, drinking or eating super hot foods isn’t good for your belly either. I’m not sure  if the reaction is as violent as the drinking cold water thing, but a good medium temperature is just a better idea all around.

Have some soup? Blow on it. But I won’t be eating soup until it gets cooler outside. Cut it out, Santa Ana winds. My bowels beg you.

Photo: Notably Neurotic

Photo: Notably Neurotic

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Dried fruits, anyone?

With IBS, you learn something new all the time (Read: There’s always something you didn’t know would destroy your bowels).

So I read this other blog post about people who are active and sweat a lot might be deficient in magnesium. I train in Krav Maga almost every day, so yeah, I sweat. A lot. And I’ve been more concerned lately about my diet and making sure I’m getting the nutrients I need. I felt I might have an iron deficiency, so I’m adding more red meat. Instead of once a month, I’m trying for once a week.

When I read I might also be deficient in magnesium, I researched some foods that could get me a little extra magnesium in my day. After all, I did have a few of the symptoms the nutritionist listed, including brain fog, poor sleep quality, and fatigue, or the flipside, being unable to calm down. Not fun symptoms to experience.

So I thought pumpkin seeds and dried apricots were a good idea.

Delicious, or devils in disguise?

Delicious, or devils in disguise?

THEY WEREN’T.  Apparently, dried apricots are on the top of the list for encouraging bowel movements. I have saucy poops daily, I DON’T NEED ANY EXTRA HELP (most of the time).

The dried apricots were delicious. I kind of want to eat one right now. But if I eat a few of them, they will unleash their merciless terror and rip my bowels through my asshole. Forget about the fear of pooping in a public restroom, because when apricot war begins, you have a matter of seconds to make it to the toilet.

images

You might end up with the exploding poop akin to a nuclear bomb going off. In my case, I felt I had done my business and was through with it, only to feel the urge five minutes later. Repeat this cycle for a few hours. To top it off, while training, the instructor made us drop 20 pound medicine balls on each other’s abdomen, followed with a sit up — TWENTY TIMES. MY INNARDS ARE NOT IMPRESSED.

At least now I have another tool for those times I need to expedite the poop from my body. Yay.

IBS Trigger Foods #4: Mushrooms and Truffle Oil

So I was peer-pressured into eating mushrooms the other night.  …Not the psychedelic kind, but the normal ones you can buy at any grocery store.

Does this image disturb you like it does me?

Photo: 21 Food

Photo: 21 Food

While I have yet to describe the various types of diarrhea to expect with IBS (yes, the SEVERAL, various types), I think there’s a special one that happens with mushrooms and truffle oil.

Hokay, so… When I eat mushrooms or truffles, it starts like almost any IBS attack where first I get the rumblies in my belly and sometimes the sudden urge to get on my toilet and stay there a while.  Well, I was at a party so I held it in (which, by the way, you really shouldn’t do).

Then 1:30 a.m. rolls around and it feels like I’m going to puke out of my mouth and butthole at the same time.  (yes, that’s happened before).

Photo: Quickfasting

Photo: Quickfasting

So in between the time I ate the mushrooms and when I finally sat on the toilet, the truffles worked their stupid fairy magic on my stool and liquefied it into an acidic pulp.  What happens next is a combination between the “constipated diarrhea” and the half-liquid, half-soft stool — Muggle diarrhea, if you will — complete with farts you are convinced will push out vast amount of smelly shit but only contribute to the corrosiveness of the angry, truffle-infused waste.

So I lit a candle and had periods of pooping and periods where nothing happened, except the feeling of being kicked repeatedly in the abdomen, which is a common thread through this whole thing.  Then I felt I was completely done, and said, “ok, belly, you’re done now, going to sleep now.”  Five minutes later the urge happened again and I went through it all again, and again convinced I was done said, “okay, belly, that’s it.”  Luckily that truly was it, until 8 a.m., so at least I got a few hours of sleep in there.  And my butthole regenerated to handle the next acidic poop assault that’s sure to happen again.

Mushrooms and truffle oil were some of the most recent items I’ve put on the “DO NOT EAT” list.  I always try things multiple times, and I make sure there aren’t any other known triggers present in the food so I can properly “test” them.  Mushrooms and truffle oil ALWAYS lead to the above reaction.  I found out later that perhaps the reason why I have such a strong reaction to truffle oil is because it’s a laxative.  I already have diarrhea most of the time, so I don’t need any help in that area.

Photo: Bored Panda

Photo: Bored Panda

Hmm…turns out truffle oil is made from a petroleum product rather than actual truffles.  Whatever, let’s still lump mushrooms and truffle oil in the same boat.  They do the same thing to my intestines, so they both go on the naughty list!

Which is okay because mushrooms are gross.

She works hard for the stool…

Well, in actuality, if I have to work barely at all to pass stool out my bottom, I just wait a little while.  Drink some coffee, y’know?

w-Giant-Coffee-Cup75917So I was out to dinner with friends the other night, and my pal told us about the time she did the “Master Cleanse” diet and had poop literally peeing out of her ass.  Peeping, I believe she called it.  She explained how she just couldn’t keep it in and needed to be by the toilet at any moment…just in case.  She’s pretending like it’s a big deal, something totally crazy that she would never want to repeat.

hot-girl-on-toiletAnd I’m just sitting there thinking, that’s like an every week occurrence for me, even if I’ve been good on my diet.

And it dawns on me that my pooping routine isn’t normal.  It’s not normal to have feces just fall out of your body and sit in the toilet in one sloppy lump before they get flushed to the nether regions of sewage.  It’s not normal to be worried every time you fart it might not be just a fart…  And it’s not normal to think, surely that’s the last of what my body has left to offer to the waste gods, only to need to rush to the toilet three or four more times.  I don’t think I remember what it’s like anymore to have to really work to push the stool out.  Until those times I get constipated or eat too much fiber.  That’s when I take a bite of cheese or have a milkshake so I can let the feces flow like I’m used to.  Waste gods forbid I have to pass a hard piece of poop ever again.

I might have mentioned to my friends that such an “assplosion,” if you will, is somewhat commonplace for me, and they seemed to just smile and shrug it off.  Let this post be a sign of my solidarity for you, reader who has definitely been there.  Again and again.

I’d venture to say that loose stools are the least of my worries, so I’ve created my own norms, I suppose.  What is important is that I know I eat healthy (most of the time) and feel good about it.  What my body decides to do with it is just gravy (….literally).