Dried fruits, anyone?

With IBS, you learn something new all the time (Read: There’s always something you didn’t know would destroy your bowels).

So I read this other blog post about people who are active and sweat a lot might be deficient in magnesium. I train in Krav Maga almost every day, so yeah, I sweat. A lot. And I’ve been more concerned lately about my diet and making sure I’m getting the nutrients I need. I felt I might have an iron deficiency, so I’m adding more red meat. Instead of once a month, I’m trying for once a week.

When I read I might also be deficient in magnesium, I researched some foods that could get me a little extra magnesium in my day. After all, I did have a few of the symptoms the nutritionist listed, including brain fog, poor sleep quality, and fatigue, or the flipside, being unable to calm down. Not fun symptoms to experience.

So I thought pumpkin seeds and dried apricots were a good idea.

Delicious, or devils in disguise?

Delicious, or devils in disguise?

THEY WEREN’T.  Apparently, dried apricots are on the top of the list for encouraging bowel movements. I have saucy poops daily, I DON’T NEED ANY EXTRA HELP (most of the time).

The dried apricots were delicious. I kind of want to eat one right now. But if I eat a few of them, they will unleash their merciless terror and rip my bowels through my asshole. Forget about the fear of pooping in a public restroom, because when apricot war begins, you have a matter of seconds to make it to the toilet.

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You might end up with the exploding poop akin to a nuclear bomb going off. In my case, I felt I had done my business and was through with it, only to feel the urge five minutes later. Repeat this cycle for a few hours. To top it off, while training, the instructor made us drop 20 pound medicine balls on each other’s abdomen, followed with a sit up — TWENTY TIMES. MY INNARDS ARE NOT IMPRESSED.

At least now I have another tool for those times I need to expedite the poop from my body. Yay.

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IBS Trigger Foods #4: Mushrooms and Truffle Oil

So I was peer-pressured into eating mushrooms the other night.  …Not the psychedelic kind, but the normal ones you can buy at any grocery store.

Does this image disturb you like it does me?

Photo: 21 Food

Photo: 21 Food

While I have yet to describe the various types of diarrhea to expect with IBS (yes, the SEVERAL, various types), I think there’s a special one that happens with mushrooms and truffle oil.

Hokay, so… When I eat mushrooms or truffles, it starts like almost any IBS attack where first I get the rumblies in my belly and sometimes the sudden urge to get on my toilet and stay there a while.  Well, I was at a party so I held it in (which, by the way, you really shouldn’t do).

Then 1:30 a.m. rolls around and it feels like I’m going to puke out of my mouth and butthole at the same time.  (yes, that’s happened before).

Photo: Quickfasting

Photo: Quickfasting

So in between the time I ate the mushrooms and when I finally sat on the toilet, the truffles worked their stupid fairy magic on my stool and liquefied it into an acidic pulp.  What happens next is a combination between the “constipated diarrhea” and the half-liquid, half-soft stool — Muggle diarrhea, if you will — complete with farts you are convinced will push out vast amount of smelly shit but only contribute to the corrosiveness of the angry, truffle-infused waste.

So I lit a candle and had periods of pooping and periods where nothing happened, except the feeling of being kicked repeatedly in the abdomen, which is a common thread through this whole thing.  Then I felt I was completely done, and said, “ok, belly, you’re done now, going to sleep now.”  Five minutes later the urge happened again and I went through it all again, and again convinced I was done said, “okay, belly, that’s it.”  Luckily that truly was it, until 8 a.m., so at least I got a few hours of sleep in there.  And my butthole regenerated to handle the next acidic poop assault that’s sure to happen again.

Mushrooms and truffle oil were some of the most recent items I’ve put on the “DO NOT EAT” list.  I always try things multiple times, and I make sure there aren’t any other known triggers present in the food so I can properly “test” them.  Mushrooms and truffle oil ALWAYS lead to the above reaction.  I found out later that perhaps the reason why I have such a strong reaction to truffle oil is because it’s a laxative.  I already have diarrhea most of the time, so I don’t need any help in that area.

Photo: Bored Panda

Photo: Bored Panda

Hmm…turns out truffle oil is made from a petroleum product rather than actual truffles.  Whatever, let’s still lump mushrooms and truffle oil in the same boat.  They do the same thing to my intestines, so they both go on the naughty list!

Which is okay because mushrooms are gross.

Welcome

This is me.

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And I have IBS.

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And it seems like these days who doesn’t have some kind of funky stomach crap going on?  And yet just the other day, I met a new friend who also has IBS, and after his recent diagnosis, his doctor just said, “So eat more fiber” and sent him on his way.

REALLY, person with a medical degree, that’s all the wisdom you have to impart?!

Did I tell you about the time I farted after lunch and had to rush home to change my pants?  Or the time I called my daddy, crying and curled up into the tightest ball you’ve ever seen in an adult woman?

OR how about that time I ate your recommended amount of fiber and couldn’t take a s*** for five days.  FIVE DAYS.

I’m so livid at the amount of people and professional that know jack squat about IBS that I want to do something about it.

I am not a nutritionist.  I am not a doctor.  I cannot diagnose you, prescribe medicine, or magically heal you.  But I’m hoping that some things that work for me might work for you.  So you won’t have to spend years (like I did) trying to navigate the stream of stools that is now your life.

So, welcome, my fellow diarrhea darlings, foodies who seemingly can’t eat anything, space travelers convinced they have one of those freaky aliens inside them waiting to spring out.  Here you’ll get my honest opinions and experiences about IBS — no holds barred.