So I was peer-pressured into eating mushrooms the other night. …Not the psychedelic kind, but the normal ones you can buy at any grocery store.
Does this image disturb you like it does me?
While I have yet to describe the various types of diarrhea to expect with IBS (yes, the SEVERAL, various types), I think there’s a special one that happens with mushrooms and truffle oil.
Hokay, so… When I eat mushrooms or truffles, it starts like almost any IBS attack where first I get the rumblies in my belly and sometimes the sudden urge to get on my toilet and stay there a while. Well, I was at a party so I held it in (which, by the way, you really shouldn’t do).
Then 1:30 a.m. rolls around and it feels like I’m going to puke out of my mouth and butthole at the same time. (yes, that’s happened before).
So in between the time I ate the mushrooms and when I finally sat on the toilet, the truffles worked their stupid fairy magic on my stool and liquefied it into an acidic pulp. What happens next is a combination between the “constipated diarrhea” and the half-liquid, half-soft stool — Muggle diarrhea, if you will — complete with farts you are convinced will push out vast amount of smelly shit but only contribute to the corrosiveness of the angry, truffle-infused waste.
So I lit a candle and had periods of pooping and periods where nothing happened, except the feeling of being kicked repeatedly in the abdomen, which is a common thread through this whole thing. Then I felt I was completely done, and said, “ok, belly, you’re done now, going to sleep now.” Five minutes later the urge happened again and I went through it all again, and again convinced I was done said, “okay, belly, that’s it.” Luckily that truly was it, until 8 a.m., so at least I got a few hours of sleep in there. And my butthole regenerated to handle the next acidic poop assault that’s sure to happen again.
Mushrooms and truffle oil were some of the most recent items I’ve put on the “DO NOT EAT” list. I always try things multiple times, and I make sure there aren’t any other known triggers present in the food so I can properly “test” them. Mushrooms and truffle oil ALWAYS lead to the above reaction. I found out later that perhaps the reason why I have such a strong reaction to truffle oil is because it’s a laxative. I already have diarrhea most of the time, so I don’t need any help in that area.
Hmm…turns out truffle oil is made from a petroleum product rather than actual truffles. Whatever, let’s still lump mushrooms and truffle oil in the same boat. They do the same thing to my intestines, so they both go on the naughty list!
Which is okay because mushrooms are gross.