Well, in actuality, if I have to work barely at all to pass stool out my bottom, I just wait a little while. Drink some coffee, y’know?
So I was out to dinner with friends the other night, and my pal told us about the time she did the “Master Cleanse” diet and had poop literally peeing out of her ass. Peeping, I believe she called it. She explained how she just couldn’t keep it in and needed to be by the toilet at any moment…just in case. She’s pretending like it’s a big deal, something totally crazy that she would never want to repeat.
And it dawns on me that my pooping routine isn’t normal. It’s not normal to have feces just fall out of your body and sit in the toilet in one sloppy lump before they get flushed to the nether regions of sewage. It’s not normal to be worried every time you fart it might not be just a fart… And it’s not normal to think, surely that’s the last of what my body has left to offer to the waste gods, only to need to rush to the toilet three or four more times. I don’t think I remember what it’s like anymore to have to really work to push the stool out. Until those times I get constipated or eat too much fiber. That’s when I take a bite of cheese or have a milkshake so I can let the feces flow like I’m used to. Waste gods forbid I have to pass a hard piece of poop ever again.
I might have mentioned to my friends that such an “assplosion,” if you will, is somewhat commonplace for me, and they seemed to just smile and shrug it off. Let this post be a sign of my solidarity for you, reader who has definitely been there. Again and again.
I’d venture to say that loose stools are the least of my worries, so I’ve created my own norms, I suppose. What is important is that I know I eat healthy (most of the time) and feel good about it. What my body decides to do with it is just gravy (….literally).